This is a story of love. This is a story of a circle of metal representing many years of a marriage partnership well lived. This is the story of my ankle bracelet - the last birthday gift I received from my husband before he passed away. This bracelet has generated acceptant approvals, and at times judgmental disapprovals. I have never told this story, until now, for reasons I will not expound upon. But now, it is important for me to share with you this true story, and the reasons for which I cherish symbolism of a simple ankle bracelet.
I have been so very fortunate to have shared a loving marriage with the most amazing man for 36 years. During the first half of our marriage, my man was the rockstar global business traveler and we saw little of each other. We knew this lifestyle involved sacrifice and I never wanted to hold him back. He reciprocated in my desire for independence, and our love was strong. Our respect for each other's independence far exceeded what others thought of our non-traditional arrangement.
The last half of our marriage gave us a few short, healthy years together and then, his failing health. My soul mate, my lover, my best friend, my husband was slowly fading from progressive health issues. I loved him more than ever, and some of our deepest, most difficult conversations came during the final three months of his life.
[Allow me to flashback to a balmy summer evening years ago as we sat on the screen porch by candlelight, drinking wine and watching fireflies flash in the darkness of the yard, hopeful that their blinking light display would capture the attention of a mate. Simply for a brief interlude of procreation. This distraction did not prevent my husband's words from piercing the very heart and soul of my being:“I'm going to die in this house,” he said. I was taken aback back and did not respond at first. And then I said, “Let us then die together.”]
I did not realize at that time how prophetic his words would become.
The conversations we had in his last three months were particularly poignant. His thoughts about my life after he was gone seemed to focus quite a bit on the issue of sex. “What will you do when I am gone? Now is the time to start looking. I don't have much time left and I want you to feel free to fulfill your needs. I don’t want you to feel any guilt. I know how much you love me, and I know you will always love me,” he said. OMG - I was shocked! But at the same time, I was touched by the raw acknowledgement that my man would be so blatantly acceptant of his fate and voice his concern for my future of cultivating a potential, new, intimate partner relationship. His love for me was a deep, true, sacrificial love. I sometimes felt guilty that my love for him could not match his for me. He would disagree. “Shhh,” he would breathe, “it always has been more than I could ever imagine.”
I watched him weaken as the days and weeks passed. This, I felt, may be my last birthday celebration with him. (It was.) He made my day very special. A beautiful dinner of filet mignon with wild chanterelles and bearnaise sauce, roasted fingerling potatoes, green beans, an Oregon Pinot Noir from Cathedral Ridge, and dessert - a chocolate mousse with langues de chat. Yes, he was a great chef - a skill he honed over the three plus years as a house husband, and with inspiration from our many years of living in France. His illness had progressed to the point where work was too much of a burden on his body.
We cuddled on the couch after dinner with our digestifs and he gave me my present - a silver ankle bracelet - with the letters Y-O-L-O "You Only Live Once." He told me, “This is my message to you … “to live,” (as he loved to say) – “Your Hallelujah. Don't bother with those who judge you. Don’t bother with those who try to mold you into someone you are not. Always be the woman you have been ordained to be - free, independent, faith-filled, caring, joyful, driven, strong, (and as he always put it), a totally badass Chiquita!” This bracelet, this circle of love, has been on my ankle ever since. A remembrance of times when we were young, and in growing and aging together, saw the seasons pass.
As I write this so many beautiful memories of his life well-lived simply make me smile and I breathe in the beauty of this man. If he were here, I would tell him the stories of how his gift has initiated many conversations – some good, some challenging (to say it nicely), over the past 7 years. I would tell him how powerfully I feel his love when I wear it. I am proud and honored and I proudly hold in my heart the true special meaning of that bracelet – yes - unconditional love, forever respect, pure joy, amazing memories … So every birthday since that last birthday with my husband, I reflect on that man's unselfish love for me. YOLO!