It is a puzzle … life. I walked beautiful Crane Beach in Ipswich, MA this past weekend - my annual tradition on the anniversary of my husband’s death. April 28, 2018 ended my journey of 1,000 days, bringing me to the end of a three-year journey of loss. The waves pounded the shoreline depositing the remains of broken shells and stones at my feet. Broken sand dollars were scattered about, their symmetrical beauty still captivating me.
I was reminded of my first walk on that beach 3 years ago. I had turned away from the pounding waves for a brief moment, and in an instant, the beach was covered with sand dollars. I’ll never forget that moment. It was as if God sent a message to me that day that I was not alone. The memory of that event still carries me through the many hills and valleys of emotions as I grieve.
It is hard to believe that it has been three years that my husband has gone to God. I journey alone, as a widow, as a single woman now. It has not been an easy journey. Even so, it has been an adventurous one. A new life, with new purpose and sometimes confusing direction. So many times I have questioned God, and the purpose of the direction of my solitary walk. So many times, I have felt euphoric for the joys of friendships and family. Yet other times, the decent into loneliness for my man has swallowed my heart and nipped at the very essence of my existence.
Rediscovery of oneself is messy. It is confusing. I have floundered many times, and yet, I have managed to come back and land on my feet like a cat. I ponder the newness of life -starting out again. I am a strong woman. But there are days where dark despair burrows deep into my heart. And then there are days when I rise above the darkness and soak in the light.
I don’t know when those days will come. I live in the moment. I stroll Crane Beach and I drink in the beauty of the creation before me. As I walk, changes are being made with each wave. The sand at the mercy of the water. The landscape, ever-changing. I am like that, too. Forever being molded and changed as part of God’s plan.
Sometimes I feel like a clam shell just ready to burst open and show the world that I am present, even when I am not sure what that presence is. Sometimes that shell needs to remain tightly closed. I am not the person I was before. I am not the same woman. I am whole yet broken. Lost yet found. I am the sand dollar, broken by the waves, yet resilient in my journey. One thousand days. The journey continues.